I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
