That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
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You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
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After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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