This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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