i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Is Oprah even human
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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