remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
