Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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