I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
