Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
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i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
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I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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