when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
