Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
