This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
