idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
