I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
