Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
