Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
