update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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