Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
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I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
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Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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