the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?