You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
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Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
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Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here