mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
