Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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