Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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