I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The uberlube is also flammable
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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