Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Fuck appropriateness.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
