I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
