Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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