i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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