Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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