yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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