highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
