It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
