hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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