I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
