Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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