I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
