This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
