I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
