so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize