i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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