I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
