whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Drunk is a universal language darling
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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