why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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