she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
