i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
