Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Dick very happy bro
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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