i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
