he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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