thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm both gender and math confused
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
