We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
