My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
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I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
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It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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