im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
