My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
