it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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