after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
