life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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