So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
